The Toadly Times

The Toadly Times® is an elite newspaper brought to you by several talented and toadly writers and editors intent on giving you the best and most accurate toad news.

Advertisement for Samantha Lox

Liliana — November 10, 2024

On the 21st of September, I was called by my boss, who asked me if I would be willing to interview Samantha Lox, the toad world’s best known celebrity. Here is a summary of what she said: “I am a chef, best known for my invention of the culinary website ‘Samantha Lox cooks dinner’. My website, run by my team of 15 toads (if you take a look at all the visual designs you’ll understand what they all do), allows people to order meals to them. But wait- not just any meals, meals cooked by me! So yes, I get around 10000 orders a day for all sorts of things. I do not believe in cannibalism, so I agree to cook all meals, other than toad legs. (Frog legs, on the contrary, are my speciality).”

Toads, listen up! We all go to work, school etc. I’m sure many of you do not wish to cook every night and takeout is too expensive. But how much does Samantha ask as payment? Not more that 10 dollars for full sized meal. So order today! In store or online. This is the world’s best dinner!

Three Frogs Break Into Old Toads House

September 19, 2024

At 2:43 in the morning on Thursday, September 19, old Madam Humbledeed was fast asleep when she was woken abruptly by a great crash in her kitchen. To know exactly what happened, we invited her for an interview. She is 12 years old (extremely old (94 human years) for all the weird humans reading) and has 3 beautifully plump lumps on the tippity top of her head. 

– What exactly happened after the crash from the kitchen?

To this she replied, severely moved by the situation: “I was simply lying in bed, sleeping oh so peacefully, when there was a loud crash from the kitchen! I got out of bed, slipped on my favorite bunny-shaped slippers, and started walking down the hallway to the kitchen. There, I see three of the ugliest, most disgusting frogs, going through my cupboards, trying to get something expensive to steal.”

– Did they find anything?

– Oh yes yes yes they did! They got ahold of my beautiful shiny copper pots and pans, and put them all in a big sack! My beloved pots and pans! They took them all!

Poor old Madam Humbledeed left the interview room crying, despite our attempts to help her calm down. She says she will never, ever, not even by the time her third lump disappears, be the same again without her copper pots and pans.

The Toadly Times has decided to do the only right thing, and get her brand new copper pots and pans. Although she claims they don’t have the same feeling as her old ones, we hope they will fill up a part of her heart that she lost.

One Toad Will Stay Awake All Winter

September 19, 2024

The quick coming of winter is forcing toads all across Toadland to prepare for hibernation. Everyone is gathering food in order to fatten up, and pre-winter feasts are already being planned. All but one toad. This toad, young, strong, and brave will stay out in the open all winter. He will make sure the fires in the factories do not go out, as it would be horribly difficult to start them again (they run on frog goo), and most importantly of all, he will keep all the newspapers and news networks (including The Toadly Times) in all the corners of Toadland running. He will be the savior of Toadland. He will make Toadland great again. 

To celebrate, the toads are holding frog carrying contests1, gel swimming contests2, and, of course, lump counting contests3. All toads (including you!) will get to participate and win all sorts of special prizes. Gerbert Hopkins, president of Toadland, thanks the future chosen toad deeply, and he will partake in choosing who will be this particular toad. The sponsor of the celebrations will be Granny Sandy’s Foot Masseurs, providing the best foot and body massages all across the country.

1Contests in which you try to carry as much frogs as possible and walk 15 meters

2Contests in which you try to be the fastest to swim 50 meters in 1.5 meters deep of hair gel

3Contests in which you try to have the most lumps all across your body. The lumps must be at least 4 millimeters across

The Imminent Return to School is Causing Many Young Toads to Start an Early Hibernation

September 7, 2024

Education is considered very important in Toadland. Us toads pride ourselves on our extreme intelligence and our schools are known world-wide. In fact, despite the short school year, the average IQ in Toadland is about 5. However, at the start of each school year, toad parents face a great deal of difficulty trying to get their children to return to school. Over the years, the young toads’ techniques for evading school have evolved. In the early 80s, many toads would run away to big human cities to avoid school, however this usually ended badly, as the toads were almost always trampled by humans or cars. In the 90s and 2000s, many toads would fake their own death, however this didn’t work either because many nearly ended up getting buried alive. In recent years, our precious toad children have been beginning  their hibernation many months early so as to be fully asleep by the first day of school. This works very well for the young ones, since toads are famously very hard to wake up during our hibernation, but it is a nightmare for the parents. We advise parents to stock up on coffee and add a considerable amount to your child’s food in the week before their first day of school. Us toads respond very quickly to coffee and this technique is sure to keep them awake until the first day!

Aunt Suzan’s Ultra-Hold Hair Gel: A review

September 7, 2024

Here at Toadly Times®, we make it our duty to accurately rate new beauty products so that our fans are well informed when it comes to elegance and fashion. Recently, many toads have been talking about a new hair gel by the brand Aunt Suzan®. Our writers were a bit skeptical when they were told about this product, claiming that toads have no hair and therefore have no need for hair gel. However, we decided that we would test it anyway. This popular hair product was sold out in the first 3 pharmacies that we visited, but we were persistent and eventually found a bottle, albeit a very leaky and dented one. Even before opening the product, we could smell its strong odor, similar to that of nail polish. After much consideration, we decided that our editor Georgoine Vessile would be the perfect test subject. Although he, like all toads, does not have hair, he has a high concentration of lumps on his head. We sat him down, put on some dishwashing gloves and began to massage the gel into his lumpy head. Immediately, the fumes from the gel started to affect everyone in the room. We all began to feel lightheaded, but like before, we persisted. However, this time our persistence was not successful as we all passed out. Our coworkers found us all on the floor in a big pile in the office bathroom and they had to pull us out before any more damage could be done to our precious lungs. When we all woke up, we didn’t find that Georgoine’s head lumps felt very well held, although they did feel quite slimy and smelled strongly of nail polish. We recommend this product if you are looking for a deep sleep (something coma adjacent). Remember that us toads do not have hair and therefore do not need hair products. 

CEO of ToadMart, Oiple Vessle, Accused of Tax Fraud

September 7, 2024

At three o’clock this morning, the police showed up at the mansion of Oiple Vessle after his company, ToadMart, had been accused of tax evasion. We here at the Toadly Times® were able to have an exclusive interview with Vessle as he was being dragged away by the police. Here is what he said:

“*$#*§!%* allez vous *#%!?$*, gang de vieux *%¡*#?*.”

(In an effort to keep Toadly Times® a family friendly newspaper, we shall not disclose the full quote, but we can confirm that Mr. Vessle was extremely angry). His trial will be held in a month and we will keep you updated on his situation.

Frog chases Jonny Fig up a tree!!

Noria Farmnitzer — March 29, 2024

Yesterday, March 28 2024, the police found Jonny Fig, a young toadling, stuck and quivering at the top of a 7’3″ foot tree. When he was questioned about how he got up there, he explained; “I-i-i-i was o-on m-my way t-to s-s-school, a-and a-a a f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-frooooooooog was following me a couple of steps b-behiiind me! I got very scared and started to run! Then he c-contiinued r-running after me!!!!!! I didn’t do a-anything wrong! Then I asked him what I did to deserve getting run after, and he started l-laughing at me and said that he was veery hungry for a nice roasted toad leg! I remembered that at school they told us that frogs are very bad at climbing trees and us toads, thanks to our webbed feet, we are much better. You guys see I love going to school to learn very useful stuff! Aaanyways, I did the most logical thing my big, smart brain could think of: I climbed the tree! And thanks to my wonderful brain, the frog could not climb up so he went away crying; well maybe laughing, but I don’t think so because he could no longer catch me. Then thanks to you wonderful police men, I was found stuck in this tree, and was brought downly safely and soundly.” This just proves how terrible those dry terrible frogs can be. Thank you all for reading this danger warning and have a nice toadly day! Good bye. Just don’t forget to take good care of your loved ones and you, children, BE CAREFUL!!!

A toadly interview about teeth, Texas and toads

Alligator in the air — March 30, 2024

Q: Hello, what’s your name?

A: Billy Jon Jones

Q:What’s your job?

A: I’m a hygienist, or maybe a dentist, I actually kind of forget sometimes. I like to yank them teeth out.

Q: What are your current hobbies?

A: Yanking teeth out and being Texan

Q: On a scale of one to ten, how strongly do you believe toads are better then frogs, and why?

A: Ten, cause toads are from Texas and frogs like to sing “this ain’t Texas”

Q: Why do you enjoy talking so much about Texas?

A: Cause I’m Texan.

Q: What do you like to eat?

A: I like to get myself some apple pie. I like baseball, too, to play not to eat. Oh wow, there is a big cake on the table! And good pasta. I’m done with this interview.

International Toad Croaking Competition

Alligator in the Air — March 3, 2024

Hey there toads! Most of you will have probably heard about the International Toad Croaking Competition, a competition that promotes young toads voices and offers a cash prize of 3000 dollars. There are four judges, two of them famous artists having worked with some of the top singers here in 2024, one of them a five star tour guide who was, before, a dentist and before that a fortune cookie writer (yes, not any artist background but has good tastes and they needed a bit of variety on the kinds of judges!) and one of them a retired ballet dancer. It is a delight to watch and I went there myself on Saturday, I was sitting in the third row, clapping my hands off and I would like to tell you, it was something!

It started off with a four year old female toad. She had a nice voice range and her croaks, all though a little out of time, brought together the lovely piece “Frère Jacques, the Toad”*. She received, from the four judges the overall note of 7/10.

Next we had a seven year old with this amazing voice but he kept fidgeting while singing “Toads reunite” and he received a 8/10. **

The last contestant was a six year old who knew every single note, on time, in pitch. She sang magnificently “This toadly song” and got a 10/10!

It was a magnificent night for all spectators and the hall acoustics were fantastic. We really recommend that you hop onto your paws and go listen when this competition comes around again in may with four contestants – Greg, Joe, Sally and Bob. Enjoy, I wish you a magnificent evening!

*One of my personal favourite songs (frère jacques, the toad, dormez-vous, dormez-vous?)

** If I kept my eyes closed, I loved it except the fact he was making up a little dance while singing was unexpected and it didn’t go well with the tune. Still, it was nice!

Nationwide Grease Shortage Greatly Affecting Toads

October 20th

If you enjoy going to the supermarket (or are forced to for hunger related reasons) you have probably noticed the grease shortage. The grease isles, once filled to the brim with thousands of types of grease, are now all empty. Well, not quite empty. Only a shocking amount of Auntie Hilldie’s Great Strawberry Grease remains but this is a very unpopular grease flavour in toadland, perhaps due to the fact that it is just gasoline mixed with pepper and a mysterious pink powder. With the upcoming grease competition on December 43, grease is a great necessity. Toads have been coming up with creative solutions to combat this shortage, but alas, nothing comes close to good old grease. While we can’t stop the shortage, we can give you our very best grease recipe, while not delicious or technically edible, is greasy and we can assure you that it is much better than Auntie Hilldie’s.

Ingredients:

Instructions:

  1. Place the chunk of platinum in any large plastic bowl you may have and put it in the microwave for 30 minutes, or until you hear a big “pop!” or see some fire (side note: a non-plastic bowl can work in a pinch but the melted plastic adds a certain kick to it).

  1. Give the platinum a big slap and if a few layers of skin burn off, you’ll know it’s the right temperature. Place in a non-melted bowl and quickly add your goat saliva

  1. Ignore the loud sizzling and popping and add in your choice of beer flavoured protein powder 

  1. Leave the room for 4 – 7 hours (no peeking). When you return, add in the beard clippings and let marinate in the fridge

  1. Once refrigerated, it’s ready to enjoy. Just take a big spoonful and ignore the taste.

Toads Vs. Frogs

Written by guest writer and reporter Geefa lee

Everyone knows that toads are much better than frogs although 13% of weird toads are asking us how we, toadly toads know this information. After some research we have found that toads are much more attractive thanks to their lovely lumps which lets our lovers squeeze them constantly. Secondly our language is much more wordly*. In frog world they speak normal, boring english that everyone understands. Though in toadlylang no one except toads, twoads, and toadlings understand. Thirdly Toads also cope way better with dry conditions than frogs. Frogs are very fussy and always want to get their way. For all these reasons we have concluded that toads are the winning species.

* A word in Toadlang (toad language) that means “better” but for words

Metamorphic frog epidemic killing toads

Written by guest writer and reporter Flip-flop the Croc

Howdy, toadies! Have you ever thought to yourself, what if I turned into a frog? Me neither, until this very moment, but what a horrendous thought! However if you don’t watch out, this nightmare may turn into a reality! Especially if you live in Toadstoolville, where a froggy epidemic is taking place as you are reading this! To doctors and scientists’ amazement, toads from the age of tadpoles to grand-toads are catching a terrible disease known as Froggametamorphasa (or Frogglypox, as it is more commonly known), which is slowly but surely turning them into little, squirmy, jumpy, ugly green frogs. The origins of the disease are not well known but they are rumored to be a cause of the frog-toe fungus that grows in great bundles on the underside of many lily pads in the area, and contaminate the waters of the lovely Toadstoolville river, from which all the residents drink on an hourly basis. The first symptoms of Frogglypox are the appearance of small itchy red bumps on the toes and tongue, and a strong desire to jump around bouncily and energetically for no apparent reason. These symptoms are usually followed by nausea and dizziness, which causes bright green colored vomit in some unfortunate cases. As the sickness continues, an infected toad’s features will slowly but surely become more and more frog-like, which can cause deep worry and distress for family members as well as the poor sick toad. By the second week of this terminal illness, an infected toad will be indistinguishable from a common green frog*, at which case the disease has reached its final stage before death, which usually follows a couple days afterward**. Doctors and health officials are trying to stop this deadly froggy epidemic by urging citizens of Toadstoolville to drink filtered or bottled water instead of tap water, and to stop bathing in the Toadstoolville river. They are also advising toads to avoid touching infected toads, as it is believed that the illness may be transmitted through direct skin contact. If you believe you or someone you know has caught this terrifying disease, try to keep calm and bring them or yourself to the nearest hospital or clinic as soon as possible. Doctors also warn against itching or applying mud to the red bumps, which may cause infection or other potential side effects.

*Except for one case, where the toad started growing wool and resembled a tiny toy sheep.

**Except for case mentioned above, where the sheep/frog-toad lived for 2 weeks after having grown wool, at which point he quickly became bald, lost his bumps and turned bright sunshine yellow. His case is being closely monitored by 5 doctors at the Toadstoolville Public Hospital.

Frog and Toad: The unlikely series at the root of twoadly mental health problems

Written by beloved guest writer Dr. Muddly Malabooth, Ph.D., 13 year, 2 month and 6 day professor at Hopvard university in Camper-bridge.

There aren’t many toads who have never heard of Frog and Toad. Most likely it was your bumpy wrinkly grand-toad or your slimy toad-aunt who read it to you as a mud-time story when you were still a itty bitty toadling before you went to sleep. Or maybe you have little itty bitty tadpoles yourself and you are searching for some nice calming toad-tales to tell them so they stop squirming and squiggling about all the time. Well, guess what! Even though this might seem like a shock to many toads world-wide, Frog and Toad is not the best story to read to toadlings. Many Frog and Toad lovers will be sad and nostalgic to hear this, but Arnold Lobel’s classic stories can trigger feelings of distress, sadness and anxiety in many young toadlings, and even cause problems with self-perception and self-acceptance in toadlings as they grow older and wiser. In fact, many surveys have shown that up to 87% of twoad (a new word for those passing through the tadpole to toad phase) depression, PTSD and mental health related issues are directly linked to this classic series! (The remaining 13% correlates to bad experiences with salt, yellow rubber ducks, cats and/or dogs, lily pads, alligators, and soggy peanut butter sandwiches, in that order.) You might be wondering what is so disturbing about these formerly beloved and well-known stories? The answer is not surprising, and maybe even obvious: Frog. Of course, this unfortunate species cannot begin to compare to our intelligent, thoughtful, beautiful, slimy, bumpy selves, but Arnold Lobel suggests otherwise! He sees our two very separate species as equal, and goes to even further measures, suggesting that a mere frog (how horrible!) could become the very best friend of a wise, charming toad. And it doesn’t stop there! Have you noticed how Toad is always the one taking care of Frog and making sure he doesn’t get into trouble? When Frog gets sick, Toad feels compelled to waste an entire beautiful day to think of a story to tell him. What’s more, Toad is constantly being ridiculed for unnecessary things! When Toad insists on wearing a bathing suit, a completely normal and acceptable behavior, especially in a public or communal river, as was the case in the story, he is laughed at by all the animals, including Frog, his supposedly best friend! He is so hurt that he goes home right away, all by himself! Many twoads admit that this story caused them feelings of shame and embarrassment about how their sparkly rainbow striped toad-kinis revealed their beautiful bumpy bodies, and led them to avoid social river and pond situations as they grew older. And that’s not the end! In one story, Toad gets ice cream all over his body and falls into the pond as he is on his way back from the store getting a treat for Frog and himself. What is Lobel suggesting here? That toads are clumsy and dirty? This is a classic example of the misrepresentation and stigma often associated with minorities, such as ourselves the toads. Now, we might know that this is all nonsense and that in fact, it’s the frogs who are the clumsy ones, naturally, this can all be very confusing to a young toadlings or tadpole mind! This reinforcement of stigmatic stereotypes causes low self worth and confidence issues in developing young twoads. 

So you see why these stories may be very harmful to a young toad’s mental health! After having conducted 14.5 studies on the case, we think it is completely safe to read up to 2 Frog and Toad stories per week, mind you choose ones that won’t be harmful or distressing to a young twoad or toadling conscience, and that you discuss the problematic nature of the stories in a calm environment shortly afterward. If you or one of your fellow toads, twoads, toadlings or tadpoles are experiencing unresolved feelings of anxiety, sadness or confusion as a result of these stories, we have conveniently funded Toads Be-for Frogs, a new support group to help young and old toads alike deal with their concerns, worries, trauma and mental health as a result of reading this series. There is also a national hotline, 188-TOADSFORTOADS, for any toad who needs additional support dealing with any mental health problem, frogs or no frogs.

The Annual Grease Competition is Quickly Approaching: Athletes Start to Prepare

As October quickly approaches, those participating in the annual grease competition begin to stock up on butter. This competition takes place on the last day of the year, December 43, but preparation for the participants begins two months before at the very beginning of October when they start an all butter diet. The start of preparation used to begin earlier but as several toads died of clogged arteries the date had to be changed. After their 2 butter eating months, the toads arrive in December at the Great Arena of Lumps and sit in their respective strainers. Each toad is then strained using the Great Golden Spatula to extract all their grease and the toad that produces the most grease wins a $7,000 gift certificate for Jimmy’s Store of Butter and Butter Related Items. We wish the athletes good luck.

How to Grow More Mold on Your Toes:  A Quick and Easy Guide

Mold. We all want it, but not all of us have it. We here at Toadly Times® wrote a 4 step plan so that we can all feel confident with the amount of mold we possess.

  1. To start the growth of mold, feet must always be wet. As easy as this sounds living near and in the water, sometimes shoes prevent our feet from getting wet. This is why it is necessary to soak your shoes overnight in water so that the next day they will be properly soggy, creating a perfect environment for mold to grow in.
  2. Make sure to feed that mold! Toads like dead plants and animal tissues for dinner. We suggest killing a houseplant and shoving it in your boot. 
  3. Exercise is vital! Mold loves the fresh and juicy scent of toad sweat. We recommend the Official Toadly Times Workout Routine© that involves running around in circles screaming “hawrbee!” at top volume. The more confused your neighbors are, the better. The rest of this workout will soon be available on the Toadly Times® website. 
  4. Patience. Remember that we all grow mold at different rates and that your mold may take a little while to grow.

Good luck, dear toads! We hope you grow a lot of mold.